robinho
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Need Help Writing Dialogue
I know the rules for writing basic dialogue, but can't find anything about a specific thing I'm doing with a story. I guess in all grammar, when you
reach this point, it's anybody's guess, but I wanted to see if there are any experts out there who might be able to help. All suggestions are
welcome.
My Question: If you have a character talking, and the other characters are not talking, only reacting to the commands, how should it be written.
For example, let's say someone's robbing the bank and giving orders and people are responding to the orders. There is only one person speaking, and
his dialogue in quotes is interrupted by the "tag lines" where it describes character action.
Something like:
"Get down on the ground!" he brandished a weapon and fired it in the air, "I said, 'Get down on the ground!'" and he fired it to show us he wasn't
messing around, "Now if anybody makes a move, you'll be the first one to get it," I got down with the others and didn't make a sound, yet I was
thinking of a way to escape, "Okay, I need this girl to put the money in the bag," he grabbed the lovely cashier in the red dress...
Written this way, it looks too clumpy, yet if broken up, it might seem as if more than one person is talking.
Any suggestions?
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Theresa
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Mood: feel like writing some stuff 
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"Get down on the ground!" He brandished a weapon and fired it in the air. "I said, 'Get down on the ground!'" he said and he fired it to show us he
wasn't messing around. "Now if anybody makes a move, you'll be the first one to get it!"
I got down with the others and didn't make a sound, yet I was thinking of a way to escape.
"Okay, I need this girl to put the money in the bag," he said as he grabbed the lovely cashier in the red dress ...
That would be my suggestion
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Nancy G.
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Here's how I would write it (changing it a little).
"Get down on the ground!" he said as he waved his gun. "I said, get down on the ground."
He fired into the air to show us he wasn't messing around.
"Now if anybody moves, you'll be the first one to get it!"
I got down with the others and didn't make a sound, but I was thinking of a way to escape.
"OK, I need this girl to put the money in the bag," he said as he grabbed the wrist of the cashier in the red dress and pulled her forward.
It took the indents out when I posted, but it should have indents in it.
[Edited on 6/16/2010 by Nancy G.]
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WNed
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Nancy saved me a whole bunch of typing: what she said... except, I know how to indent here.
To create a blank space here, you type "&-n-b-s-p-;". Remove the quotes and dashes, leave the other two punctuation marks.
If I just type it without quotes and dashes: well, you can see for yourself.
Type the magic code once, then double-click on it and copy it. Now you can paste it in anywhere you need multiple spaces. Three in a
row, at the beginning of a line create a proper paragraph indent.
Sorry to veer so far of topic.
Ned
I tried mature, rational, adult. Read the end of Don Quixote to see how that worked out.
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robinho
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Okay, thanks for the help. One follow up question:
Since the character continues to talk, if written in the suggested way, should I leave off the closing quotations until the end? (ie. no closing
quotations after the second "ground" and "it!")
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Theresa
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You need the closing quotations every time you continue with a descriptive (i. e. no dialogue) text.
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robinho
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Thanks! you guys rock. : )
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Michy
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Here's not only the way the dialogue should be, but also some editing changes...note how instead of just 'fact' tag 'fact' action 'fact' tag... I use
the other words I've added here to make it more fluid so that one action leads to and ties in with the other. Keeps it from being so choppy and helps
the reader to understand that only one person is speaking out loud. You are also doing a lot of 'telling' and not very much showing here. It's weak
writing.
It's important to note that unless very short, you should not put action in between dialogue, even if the speaker is the same. If the action is very
short and it is the speaker who is doing the action, it's okay to put that between quotes. However, if the action is someone other than the speaker,
it needs its own line.
Example:
"What if," he began and then paused, gazing into her eyes. "What if I were to stay?"
This example is okay, since the part between the quotes is short and is about the speaker. However, the following example is wrong:
WRONG:
"What if," he began, while she stood and walked to the window, not listening to him. "What if I were to stay?"
You would need to break that up, since the speaker is not doing the action. Her walking to the window needs its own paragraph and his talking needs
its own.
Of course, you do this in indented paragraphs. I'm too lazy to do it Ned's way, so I did an extra space.
......
Now, here's one example of how I would make your snippet flow better and make your writing stronger. You, of course, need to tweak it to match your
story, since I don't have any idea how these characters should act - this is just an example to show you how to make it stronger. You'll have to match
the movement and such to your characters:
...
"Get down on the ground!" The man's voice echoed in the resulting silence that followed his command. As though to punctuate his command, he brandished
his weapon, raising it above his head and firing.
The crack of the gunshot echoed even louder than his voice had, and I, like many others in the bank, were frozen with fear, unable to think or move in
that moment. I watched the scene play out before me as though in slow motion, like it wasn't real, couldn't be real.
His angry voice brought me back to reality when he yelled, "I said, 'Get down on the ground!'"
A second gunshot into the air brought compliance when I and the other hostages moved to get onto the ground as he had commanded.
I watched him from the corner of my eye while he swept his gaze around the bank to make sure everyone had obeyed. His voice was quieter, almost soft
when he said, "Now, if anybody makes a move, you'll be the first one to get it."
There was no doubt in my mind he meant what he said, so I didn't make a sound. In the back of my mind, somewhere behind the terror, I was thinking of
ways to escape and praying I would make it out of this alive. The robber interrupted my thoughts when he said, "Okay, I need this girl to put the
money in the bag."
He grabbed the lovely cashier in the red dress...
......
Now, read your version and then read mine. Which one gives you the better 'word picture'? The point is to draw it for the reader, without forcing it.
You are simply telling them what happened. That won't let your reader get drawn into the story, especially when you're writing in first person.
There are some things you need to be careful of - for example, you said about the robber that he was brandishing the weapon and fired to show that he
wasn't messing around. The problem with this is, you're writing in first person, so you can't 'know' what the robber is thinking or why he is doing
what he does. You can only know what the person you are writing could know - that person can assume some things, but can't know.
So if you're dead set on 'wasn't messing around', you have to make it from the character's viewpoint:
As though he was trying to show us he wasn't messing around....
And that sorta gets messy, so I just took it out.
Anyway, I know it wasn't what you were asking, but if you can take my advice here and use it to check the other parts of your story and change the
instances of 'telling' and not 'showing', you'll have a stronger story.
Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~
Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook
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robinho
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Thanks Michy, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me. Your comments are very helpful.
I kind of had a feeling that someone was going to say to change the style, but the reason I wanted to write it with a command followed by quick action
followed by a command, etc. was to keep a quick pace in the story, but you've definitely given me an idea of combining text and description into more
distinct sections to make it look better.
Pacing is also part of the reason why I frequently break the "show, don't tell" rule. (I can't help it!)
I remember taking a writing class one time, and I'd begin my story, "She was a smart girl..." and the teacher would have a big, red circle around it
saying, "Show, don't tell!" but I had no interest in describing how she had a collection of philosophy books in her apartment and an award from Mensa.
I figure writing is a form of communication and I don't want to be indirect, I just want to relay a piece of information and get on with the plot.
Maybe I'll start a thread debating the "Show, don't tell" rule. I know I'll probably be the only one, but it could be a fun debate.
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Michy
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The issue is, you won't be there to tell an agent or an editor who is reading your manuscript why you are telling and not showing like you're telling
me now, and when they reject your manuscript for 'telling, not showing', you cannot send them an email and explain why you're doing it like you're
telling me now.
You have this amazing scene of hostages being held by an armed bank robber, and you are leaving out the most important part -- the emotion! You are
giving us facts, like a news story, not a novel, not compelling emotive reading. You have this amazing scene with a man brandishing a gun and firing
it in the air while ordering people around and there is no fear! There is no worry and wondering and confusion. There is no emotion in the entire
scene. Your readers cannot connect without emotion. How would YOU feel if a man was brandishing a gun and firing in the air in front of you while
threatening to kill people? You must make the reader feel what the characters do.
Your readers will not be inside of your head while they are reading your book. You see this in your head like a movie scene, with all the details and
nuances and facial expressions and sounds. Your reader does not. It's not about pacing. It's not about style. It's about giving your readers the
information and emotion they need to connect with your story. You can make it quick and fast paced - but you must give your reader enough information
so they can see an image in their minds too. You're not doing that in this passage, at all.
Janet Reid, an agent with Fine Print, has frequently commented on Twitter and her blog about how some good story was passed up because the execution
of it was poor, even if the concept was good, and that the execution failed because the writer was 'telling' not showing. Nathan Bransford has written
entire blogs on it. There is a reason writing classes, editors, agents and the like all say, "Show, don't tell!" The reason is because that how good
writing flows. Telling is weak writing. If you hang on to your belief that you need to tell to have it fast paced, you're going to have weak points in
your plot, and you're not going to sell your manuscript.
Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~
Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook
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robinho
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I guess you're right Michy.
I was reading a story online today, and the author was describing a scene between a mother and son, where she hits him in anger. After the dialogue
and the slap, the son "tells" how he was feeling. It was something like, "I felt bad that my mother hit me, and was confused..."
I couldn't help but thinking that it took something away from the story for me, because obviously he felt bad and confused, and the author interrupted
the story with these asides several times.
Perhaps we like to apply our own feelings and interpretations to stories and not be told what to think or feel, and that's the reason to show. Maybe
it's too pandering or forceful if you tell your reader how they should be interpreting a scene.
I now know I need to be more aware of this in my writing, and I'm glad you pointed it out. Thanks for letting me play Devil's advocate on this
subject ; )
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Michy
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I always enjoy a good discussion!
I think what you're saying, that's really the key right there.
I was telling Carlos on another thread here about emotion and the writer's job. Here's part of what I said:
What you should instead be trying to do is to evoke emotion. Other people have different experiences and backgrounds, so when they read your writing,
their emotions will be tainted by their experiences. Your goal is to make them feel something; it is not to make the reader feel what you feel though.
They never will.
......
Our discussion was about something else, but I think it holds true here too...Our job is to evoke emotion - it's not to hand it to the reader or to be
so cut and dry that it's impossible to connect. We want real emotion shown to us in a way that we decide how we want to feel. The majority of us will
likely feel the same way. Think about this -- if someone has ever been through a real bank robbery - they are going to feel quite different about your
scene than someone who hasn't, don't you think? Your job is to make the scene seem very real to someone who has gone through it but also to make
someone who hasn't gone through it experience the emotions as though they had. Tough job, we writers have!
Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~
Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook
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