Wil
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My Query- Is it good enough? UPDATED, need feedback.
Hey guys I'm new and I'm really trying to master this Query thing.
Dear…
Evan Umbra is one of the last demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. He will either save all the worlds, or destroy them. The
demon god once ruled all the realms, and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to bring him back.
The reclusive boy always thought he was normal, just a bully victim and an orphan. Until he is seized by a demon, ripped from his world and thrust
into the eternal world war of demons and men. Caught between a warrior and the demon who tried to kill him, Evan discovers his control of magic for
the first time.
Fifteen year old Evan is taken by the warrior to become the newest recruit at Veneseron, a world where children train to become demon hunters. As a
future protector of the realms, Evan must learn the magic and weaponry necessary to embark on missions to battle monsters throughout the worlds. But
the demons continue to plague him, attacking at every corner.
In a battle for his life Evan discovers that he also possesses powers beyond his control, powers that only a demon lord can use. It is dark magic,
which he hides from everyone and causes him to question his own morality. As an army of monsters invade the world of Veneseron, Evan is captured and
taken back to their master.
Evan struggles with his identity and all that is going on around him, battling with paranoia and fear, magic and demons, as well as teenage romance
and life.
He must find out who, or what, are putting demons on his trail and why he has evil magic that he shouldn’t, before the demons destroy him.
Demon Hunt- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my
work.
Okay so is this good bad? What improvements can be made?
Thanks guys, any help is really appreciated.
[Edited on 6/23/2010 by Wil]
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Michy
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Needs some major improvement, but you're off to a good start. We'll help you perfect it. Let's start here, though.
http://www.lukeman.com/greatquery/
That link takes you to the Lukeman agency's website, where Noah Lukeman offers and ebook that helps you prepare your query for agents per the industry
standards. Scroll to the bottom and find that ebook, it's a free download, and then read it - use it to change up your query, and then repost the
revised one and we'll help you tweak it.
The first thing I notice in your query is that it is way too long. The second thing I notice is that it uses character's names, and it probably
shouldn't (read the ebook to find out why). The book title should be written in all caps. You need a biography paragraph for you and you need an
introductory paragraph stating why you picked the agent you are sending to.
The entire query should be fewer then five short paragraphs. You really have to hit the high points of the novel and leave them wanting more.
I look forward to seeing your revision!
Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~
Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook
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Wil
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Okay, following the ebook's advice, this is what I've come up with.
Dear…
I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by Author, and I feel my book is similar.
My book takes place in the present day, over a six month period, in the magical realm of Veneseron. The novel is in the vein of Harry Potter, crossed
with the Demonata series. The protagonist is ripped from our world by a demon, but saved and taken by a warrior to Veneseron. He trains in magic and
weaponry to become a demon hunter and protector of the worlds, finding friendship and romance on the way. But demons continue to hunt him for he is
demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. The demon god once ruled all the realms, and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to
bring him back.
I am a previously unpublished writer at only eighteen years old. DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for
representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.
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Wil
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Which one do you guys think is better?
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Nancy G.
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The second one is better by far! Michy will be along when she has time and help you some more on this.
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Melanie
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I'm no expert on queries.
The structure of the second is more correct, but I think the 2nd paragraph lacks oomph. Stating "the story takes place over a six month period" is
just blah, in my opinion. It needs spice that is chock full of info. Instead of "the protagonist," use descriptors for him: the high school senior,
the nerdy 8th grader, or whatever he is. That will show it is in present day. Instead of "finding friendship and romance on the way," how about
describing it with more stark details? While training to be a demon hunter, he allies with (insert descriptor of character here... umm... a clumsy
wizard or whatever) and falls for a whatever, who helps him in his quest to...
Just throwing out ideas (and please refer to my first sentence above!). Juicy details seem like they would spark interest more than a vague reference
to romance, etc. I'd also throw in more emotion. You don't want all plot and no story. 
I'd also leave out that you're eighteen. It doesn't matter and could be viewed negatively.
Melanie 
"Go forth boldly in the direction of your dreams." Thoreau
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Going Forth Boldly -- The Chronicle of Becoming a Professional Fiction Writer
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Wil
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Yeah I thought the time frame and not naming the character was a little odd when following the Ebook so I changed it to this after:
*
Dear…
I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and I feel my book is similar.
My book takes place in the present day, over a six month period, in the magical realm of Veneseron. The novel is in the vein of Harry Potter, crossed
with the Demonata series. Fifteen year old Evan Umbra, reclusive orphan and bully victim, is ripped from our world by a demon, but saved and taken by
a warrior to Veneseron. Evan trains in magic and weaponry to become a demon hunter and protector of the worlds, finding friendship and romance on the
way. But demons continue to hunt him for he is demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. The demon god once ruled all the realms,
and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to bring him back.
I am a previously unpublished writer at only eighteen years old. DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for
representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.
*
It's only changed a little but I think its better, I may take out the time frame if everyone thinks it doesn't fit. One person said mentioning Harry
Potter may put an agent off, does any1 else agree?
[Edited on 6/22/2010 by Wil]
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Nancy G.
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I have no opinion about the Harry Potter reference, but I'd sure leave out the 18 year old reference, or the unpublished reference. When you don't
have anything to say, don't say anything.
I have read recently the the YA market is growing by leaps and bounds. You are entering at just the right time. Good luck!
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Wil
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Okay so is this ready to send out to an agent, realistically is it a good enough premise and hook?
As many people's opinon's as possible will be appreciated greatly.
Dear…
I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and I feel my book is similar.
My book takes place in the present day, over a six month period, in the magical realm of Veneseron. The novel is in the vein of Harry Potter, crossed
with the Demonata series. Fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra, reclusive orphan and bully victim, is ripped from our world by a demon, but saved and taken by
a warrior to Veneseron. Evan must learn to train in magic and weaponry to become a demon hunter and protector of the realms; finding friendship and
romance on the way. But demons continue to hunt him, for he is demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. The demon god once ruled
all the realms, and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to bring him back.
From learning to harness the power of the elements to riding dragons, DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for
representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.
[Edited on 6/23/2010 by Wil]
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Wil
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Anyone? Lol sorry, I'm an impatient fiend.
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Wil
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Registered: 6/19/2010
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New Query, and the one that's gotten me the best response on forums.
Dear…
I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and I feel my book will appeal to the same fans.
Fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra can’t face up to the bullies that torment him. He would rather defeat them in the fantasy stories he writes than in real
life. Evan can’t talk to girls; he can’t even hang around with other teenagers, he’d rather just be left alone. But Evan wasn’t meant for this world,
for he is demon spawn- the key to the demon god’s rebirth, or his demise. It is prophesised that the demon spawn will save all the worlds, or destroy
them.
Evan is ripped from his world and all he knows by a grotesque spider demon. In the ensuing battle Evan’s powers are unleashed, as emerald fire shoots
from his hands to consume the monster. The warriors of Veneseron seek every teenager who possesses magic to take back to their fortress for training.
One such warrior aids Evan in destroying the spider demon and takes the boy to the fortress.
Evan must learn to become a demon hunter and future protector of the worlds, but the very creatures he is learning to fight are still hunting him.
Matters take a turn for the worse when Evan discovers he also possesses dark magic, powers only a demon lord can use. Evan hides this secret from
everyone, questioning his own morality as he does so.
Training at Veneseron fortress is all Evan ever wanted. He realises this is a world he truly fits into. Here on this fantastical realm he makes his
first ever friend and struggles with his first romance. From harnessing the power of the elements, to dragon riding his training is unbelievable. But
he cannot shake the paranoia and fear that consumes him as the demons turn to attacking everyone he now cares about to get at him. He continues to
hide his terrible secret and fight against the demons that will never stop hunting him.
DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel, the full manuscript available at your request. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to
consider my work.
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Nancy G.
Literary Master
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Most of this is much better, but I think your synopsis is too long.
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