Accentuate Writers Forum
Not logged in [Login - Register]



Donations & advertising pay hosting fees, forum email, and email relays.

Thank you for being a member!


Go To Bottom

Printable Version  
Author: Subject: My Query- Is it good enough? UPDATED, need feedback.
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 6/19/2010 at 04:42 PM
My Query- Is it good enough? UPDATED, need feedback.


Hey guys I'm new and I'm really trying to master this Query thing.

Dear…

Evan Umbra is one of the last demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. He will either save all the worlds, or destroy them. The demon god once ruled all the realms, and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to bring him back.

The reclusive boy always thought he was normal, just a bully victim and an orphan. Until he is seized by a demon, ripped from his world and thrust into the eternal world war of demons and men. Caught between a warrior and the demon who tried to kill him, Evan discovers his control of magic for the first time.

Fifteen year old Evan is taken by the warrior to become the newest recruit at Veneseron, a world where children train to become demon hunters. As a future protector of the realms, Evan must learn the magic and weaponry necessary to embark on missions to battle monsters throughout the worlds. But the demons continue to plague him, attacking at every corner.

In a battle for his life Evan discovers that he also possesses powers beyond his control, powers that only a demon lord can use. It is dark magic, which he hides from everyone and causes him to question his own morality. As an army of monsters invade the world of Veneseron, Evan is captured and taken back to their master.

Evan struggles with his identity and all that is going on around him, battling with paranoia and fear, magic and demons, as well as teenage romance and life.
He must find out who, or what, are putting demons on his trail and why he has evil magic that he shouldn’t, before the demons destroy him.

Demon Hunt- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.

Okay so is this good bad? What improvements can be made?
Thanks guys, any help is really appreciated.

[Edited on 6/23/2010 by Wil]
View user's profile
Michy
Boss(y) Lady / Site Owner / Admin
*********




Posts: 13945
Registered: 1/15/2008
Location: Texas
Member Is Offline

Mood: Pained

[*] posted on 6/19/2010 at 06:06 PM


Needs some major improvement, but you're off to a good start. We'll help you perfect it. Let's start here, though.

http://www.lukeman.com/greatquery/

That link takes you to the Lukeman agency's website, where Noah Lukeman offers and ebook that helps you prepare your query for agents per the industry standards. Scroll to the bottom and find that ebook, it's a free download, and then read it - use it to change up your query, and then repost the revised one and we'll help you tweak it.

The first thing I notice in your query is that it is way too long. The second thing I notice is that it uses character's names, and it probably shouldn't (read the ebook to find out why). The book title should be written in all caps. You need a biography paragraph for you and you need an introductory paragraph stating why you picked the agent you are sending to.

The entire query should be fewer then five short paragraphs. You really have to hit the high points of the novel and leave them wanting more.

I look forward to seeing your revision!




Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~


Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook

-----------------------------------------

View user's profile Visit user's homepage
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 6/20/2010 at 10:48 AM


Okay, following the ebook's advice, this is what I've come up with.


Dear…

I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by Author, and I feel my book is similar.

My book takes place in the present day, over a six month period, in the magical realm of Veneseron. The novel is in the vein of Harry Potter, crossed with the Demonata series. The protagonist is ripped from our world by a demon, but saved and taken by a warrior to Veneseron. He trains in magic and weaponry to become a demon hunter and protector of the worlds, finding friendship and romance on the way. But demons continue to hunt him for he is demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. The demon god once ruled all the realms, and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to bring him back.

I am a previously unpublished writer at only eighteen years old. DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.

View user's profile
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 6/21/2010 at 05:56 AM


Which one do you guys think is better?
View user's profile
Nancy G.
Literary Master
******


Avatar


Posts: 4766
Registered: 10/30/2008
Location: Arkansas
Member Is Offline

Mood: Happy!

[*] posted on 6/21/2010 at 08:40 AM


The second one is better by far! Michy will be along when she has time and help you some more on this.
View user's profile Visit user's homepage
Melanie
Founding Member
******




Posts: 3736
Registered: 1/17/2008
Member Is Offline

Mood: Writing like mad!

[*] posted on 6/21/2010 at 10:05 AM


I'm no expert on queries.

The structure of the second is more correct, but I think the 2nd paragraph lacks oomph. Stating "the story takes place over a six month period" is just blah, in my opinion. It needs spice that is chock full of info. Instead of "the protagonist," use descriptors for him: the high school senior, the nerdy 8th grader, or whatever he is. That will show it is in present day. Instead of "finding friendship and romance on the way," how about describing it with more stark details? While training to be a demon hunter, he allies with (insert descriptor of character here... umm... a clumsy wizard or whatever) and falls for a whatever, who helps him in his quest to...

Just throwing out ideas (and please refer to my first sentence above!). Juicy details seem like they would spark interest more than a vague reference to romance, etc. I'd also throw in more emotion. You don't want all plot and no story. :)

I'd also leave out that you're eighteen. It doesn't matter and could be viewed negatively.





Melanie
"Go forth boldly in the direction of your dreams." Thoreau
----------------------------
M. Lori Motley

----------------------------
View user's profile
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 6/22/2010 at 04:55 PM


Yeah I thought the time frame and not naming the character was a little odd when following the Ebook so I changed it to this after:
*
Dear…

I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and I feel my book is similar.

My book takes place in the present day, over a six month period, in the magical realm of Veneseron. The novel is in the vein of Harry Potter, crossed with the Demonata series. Fifteen year old Evan Umbra, reclusive orphan and bully victim, is ripped from our world by a demon, but saved and taken by a warrior to Veneseron. Evan trains in magic and weaponry to become a demon hunter and protector of the worlds, finding friendship and romance on the way. But demons continue to hunt him for he is demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. The demon god once ruled all the realms, and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to bring him back.

I am a previously unpublished writer at only eighteen years old. DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.
*

It's only changed a little but I think its better, I may take out the time frame if everyone thinks it doesn't fit. One person said mentioning Harry Potter may put an agent off, does any1 else agree?



[Edited on 6/22/2010 by Wil]
View user's profile
Nancy G.
Literary Master
******


Avatar


Posts: 4766
Registered: 10/30/2008
Location: Arkansas
Member Is Offline

Mood: Happy!

[*] posted on 6/22/2010 at 05:20 PM


I have no opinion about the Harry Potter reference, but I'd sure leave out the 18 year old reference, or the unpublished reference. When you don't have anything to say, don't say anything.

I have read recently the the YA market is growing by leaps and bounds. You are entering at just the right time. Good luck!
View user's profile Visit user's homepage
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 6/22/2010 at 05:32 PM


Okay so is this ready to send out to an agent, realistically is it a good enough premise and hook?
As many people's opinon's as possible will be appreciated greatly.



Dear…

I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and I feel my book is similar.

My book takes place in the present day, over a six month period, in the magical realm of Veneseron. The novel is in the vein of Harry Potter, crossed with the Demonata series. Fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra, reclusive orphan and bully victim, is ripped from our world by a demon, but saved and taken by a warrior to Veneseron. Evan must learn to train in magic and weaponry to become a demon hunter and protector of the realms; finding friendship and romance on the way. But demons continue to hunt him, for he is demon spawn- the key to the dark god’s rebirth, or his demise. The demon god once ruled all the realms, and his Dread lords will stop at nothing to bring him back.

From learning to harness the power of the elements to riding dragons, DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel available to you for representation. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.


[Edited on 6/23/2010 by Wil]
View user's profile
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 6/23/2010 at 08:58 AM


Anyone? Lol sorry, I'm an impatient fiend.
View user's profile
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 6/28/2010 at 07:15 AM


New Query, and the one that's gotten me the best response on forums.

Dear…

I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by AUTHOR, and I feel my book will appeal to the same fans.

Fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra can’t face up to the bullies that torment him. He would rather defeat them in the fantasy stories he writes than in real life. Evan can’t talk to girls; he can’t even hang around with other teenagers, he’d rather just be left alone. But Evan wasn’t meant for this world, for he is demon spawn- the key to the demon god’s rebirth, or his demise. It is prophesised that the demon spawn will save all the worlds, or destroy them.

Evan is ripped from his world and all he knows by a grotesque spider demon. In the ensuing battle Evan’s powers are unleashed, as emerald fire shoots from his hands to consume the monster. The warriors of Veneseron seek every teenager who possesses magic to take back to their fortress for training. One such warrior aids Evan in destroying the spider demon and takes the boy to the fortress.

Evan must learn to become a demon hunter and future protector of the worlds, but the very creatures he is learning to fight are still hunting him. Matters take a turn for the worse when Evan discovers he also possesses dark magic, powers only a demon lord can use. Evan hides this secret from everyone, questioning his own morality as he does so.

Training at Veneseron fortress is all Evan ever wanted. He realises this is a world he truly fits into. Here on this fantastical realm he makes his first ever friend and struggles with his first romance. From harnessing the power of the elements, to dragon riding his training is unbelievable. But he cannot shake the paranoia and fear that consumes him as the demons turn to attacking everyone he now cares about to get at him. He continues to hide his terrible secret and fight against the demons that will never stop hunting him.

DEMON HUNT- is an 84,000 word young adult, fantasy novel, the full manuscript available at your request. Thank you sincerely for taking the time to consider my work.

View user's profile
Nancy G.
Literary Master
******


Avatar


Posts: 4766
Registered: 10/30/2008
Location: Arkansas
Member Is Offline

Mood: Happy!

[*] posted on 6/28/2010 at 07:34 AM


Most of this is much better, but I think your synopsis is too long.
View user's profile Visit user's homepage

                              

  Go To Top

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies


Powered by XMB
XMB Forum Software © 2001-2011 The XMB Group