Cyndee
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Has My World Gone Insane!!!
My 19yo just walked out of his room this morning with two girls! Seems I had overnight guests I knew nothing about. He said it got too late last to
take them home last night, so he had them spend the night at our house (his room). I could almost convince myself nothing happened (almost), except
one of the girls walked out with her t-shirt inside out.
Tell me again why beating your children is a bad thing!
I don't need this!
[Edited on 7/31/2010 by Cyndee]
[Edited on 7/31/2010 by Cyndee]
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czechwizard
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At the age of 18 I was flashing my ID 25/8. I wish I were that 19yo. I'd just make sure that both gals leave no trace, much less a political
incorrectness T shirt inside out.
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Tangoshoes
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Oh my goodness! What a brave son you have! I'm almost glad I don't have kids. I know what I tried and got away with when I was one... 
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
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Paul
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He's 19, not a child any more. Wait 'til he does something really good...
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andisaid
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19 and with two girls??? He must be some stud!!! Just kidding. If there was two of them, you don't really need to worry.
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Mystress Gaia
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Cyndee...
He is 19, no longer the baby boy... I wouldn't worry to much. He did the responsible thing by letting them stay (although it should have been on the
couch with your permission) but he did do right. You would not have wanted to find out about a car accident in the middle of the night because one of
the young ladies fell asleep at the wheel.
As for what Andi said, I know what I was doing at 19 even in the same room with other girls lol. I'd personally start putting condoms in his room.
Rather be safe/protected than sorry 
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Tangoshoes
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LOL I must be way old school! I think this is the parents' home, and there should be some respect involved on some level for said parents. At any
age, I wouldn't consider doing anything in my parents' home that involved other people LOL without letting someone know that hey, so and so is here...
but I mean, you really don't know if anything, what was going on... tee inside out though only gives a small sight as to what perhaps, but still... I
think he should told ya he was having a slumber party LOL
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
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Mystress Gaia
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This made me remember the day my mom walked in my room to see me sleeping on my bed in the middle of two of my male friends. There was no hanky panky,
we just crashed. I was 17 and a half, and my mom was okay with me having male guests overnight. It was assumed she could walk in at any moment so we
were pretty respectful of that. But she did get a shock when she saw my friend George (6'5 and a few hundred pounds, not fat he is a big dude and
solid) on one side, me in the middle and my friend Adam (5'6, short but solid, he did however have a striking resemblance to bart simpson) on the
other side.
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Cyndee
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Czech-Your not helping my sanity.
Paul-If he's not a child (ie. imature) then he can get his own house.
Andi-I realized a little while ago why the other girl looked so odd. She was wearing a pair of my son's gym shorts.
Linda-He already has those accessories, but still, it is not his house.
Tango-Finally a voice of total agreement of my own "old school" values. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't an angel when I was younger, but I never would
have done that in my parent's house.
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Mystress Gaia
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Aww Cyndee...
Look on the bright side, he thought you were cool enough as a mom to understand why he let them stay. And he didn't sneak them out or try to hide that
they were there.
Let him know that next time, you expect they won't stay in his room but the couch is open or not. Lay down the law of your home.
If you had no rules in place about such a thing before, how was he supposed to know he was breaking them?
19 year olds are adults legally whether they are mature or not.
Tell him how it is going to be. Either he can have the guests or not under your rules or he can move out so he can have the guests under his rules. At
19 I think he'll be able to handle it.
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melissa
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Oh boy. I'm 20, so it's not far off. My brother is the boy and the oldest(he's 24) and he has always gotten away with way worse stuff!
Although, I think that's really disrespectful to do in your parents' home, regardless of your age(even if nothing happened). If he had asked or said
something first, that might be different.
I'm waiting as long as possible to have children. Hopefully, by the time they start pulling tricks like this, I'll be able to handle it.
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rudy2
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One day my hubby and I spotted unfamiliar shoes by the door. So I went to daughter's room (she was 17) and knocked. I was surprised to see a young man
in there. The looks on their faces...
I said, "When I was your age, my mom caught me when I had a boy spend the night. You want to think about this: I married him."
Both of them went pale, lol.
BTW, they are still together and she'll be 21 in September. I'm still trying to get them out of here.
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twnkltoz
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I used to do stuff like that (at other peoples' houses, not mine LOL) when I was that age, but most of the time it was innocent (hee hee most of the
time). It might have been nothing, but the inside-out shirt would make me wonder for sure.
I agree that this is your house, and he needs to respect your rules and your space. Good luck with him!
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LaurieM
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He is legally an adult so you have no control over his sexual activities although you hope he has morals and common sense, but that being said it is
your home and he is your child and not on his own yet. Tell him from now on if any female is over for a visit the door stays open to his room. If they
have to stay over, the door again is open or the girl or girls stay in another room for sleeping arrangements. Anytime a girl is over tell him you
need to be informed and/or asked. He doesn't like those rules, which are very reasonable and respectful then he can live elsewhere.
------------------------------------------------------
Laurie's Author Website
The darkness is swallowing me. Bastian where are you? |
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Paul
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Just a silly question from someone who knew better than to have his own demon offspring... 
You are upset by his behavior but did you ever have a discussion with him about "house rules"?
Did he violate an agreed rule for being under your roof or did you just assume he would know better?
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moonshadow68
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Cyndee,
I think I'd sit down and talk to him. Even though they were wearing his clothes (shorts) and had a shirt on inside out, it might not mean anything.
But he does need to know what your rules are. And I'd even break out the "I expect you to be a positive influence" on your brother line.
He was trying to be responsible (not driving while exhausted), but he should have thought about how it would look to his parents and to his brother.
He should also have had enough respect for the young ladies involved to offer them his room and then him sleep on the couch (or vice versa).
I get that he should respect your rules in your home and you do need to make sure that those are clearly defined. Just be sure you can live with the
consequences, i.e. if the rule is no sleepovers of the opposite sex, are you prepared to kick him out. Sucks to be certain, but you have to decide.
Finally, I'll put this out there. It is your house, and your rules, but you have to decide that he is not a kid anymore. When I got home after my
junior year of college (1000 miles from mom's house), she tried to give me a 10p.m. curfew (I was 20). I finally told her that she wasn't protecting
my virtue, as I could do anything at 3 p.m. that I was doing at midnight and that she had to believe I ahd a good head on my shoulders and wouldn't do
something stupid. Most of the time if I was out, I was sitting around drinking a coke and watching bad sitcoms on TV. Likely your boy was doing
something about that bad.
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Michy
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I'd go with Cindy on talking to him, but at the same time, I'd rather my kid be doing things I know about in my home where he's safe than doing things
I don't know about in someone else's home where it might not be safe.
If he were an adult -- not your son, but just an adult -- what would you say to him about his behavior? Try to treat him like he's an adult, not like
he's your kid, and I think you can accept a bit more of the behavior.
Gut feeling? Nothing happened, and he really is being honest about it just getting too late. Generally speaking, if he'd been doing something 'bad',
he wouldn't have walked into the living room like it's no big deal, because in his mind, it was no big deal, because it literally wasn't a big
deal.
Does that make sense?
If it had been a big deal to him, he would have tried to sneak them out the window or something. He didn't. I think you're pretty safe and he's just
being a 19 year old.
Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~
Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook
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lydya
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Although I am not a parent, I have worked extensively with teens and late teens as a school counselor. I think there's nothing happened. Like Michy
said, if he felt guilty, he would likely be smuggling the girls out before you were awake.
Talking about it and setting ground rules are great ideas, however, you need to be careful not to sound accusing or distrusting to him. Teens are very
sensitive when they feel their parents do not trust them.
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Melanie
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Tell him how it is going to be. Either he can have the guests or not under your rules or he can move out so he can have the guests under his rules. At
19 I think he'll be able to handle it.
This.
If some adult friend of mine stayed at my house, I would find it disrespectful for him to invite over two girls and sleep with them in my house as
well.
I wouldn't make a big deal about this, but I would definitely have that conversation everyone is talking about.
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Skwerly
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Oh, something happened.  Did that help?
I would occasionally take my g/f upstairs at my parents' house when I was 19, but I didn't feel at all good about it. I believe it shouldn't be done
if you KNOW that your parents might be uncomfortable with it. At 19, we THINK we know it all, but how little we actually know is astounding me every
day as I age.
Anyhow, I'm with the old schoolers. I don't give a flying fap what age you are and about the legality of things; you don't have orgies in my house.
That is why we move out and begin paying for things ourselves.
I seemed to be looking down from an immense height upon a twilit grotto, knee-deep with filth, where a white-bearded daemon swineherd drove about
with his staff a flock of fungous, flabby beasts whose appearance filled me with unutterable loathing.
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Derek's Junk
My Horror Writing Forum: http://writersofhorror.myfreeforum.org/index.php
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justkat73
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Oh man I have got to put my two cents in here.
First off, I'm 36 and verrrry far from an angel, but to this day, I have never had sex or even an overnight male guest in my dad's house...doubt I
ever would.
At 19, yes, he's an adult legally, but still under your roof. The clothing situation, well to me, obviously something happened, but that's not really
the point. The point is that judging by your reaction, this is a violation of your rules. The fact that it got so late, well why didn't he take them
home earlier then?
I know I'm old school on this, but seriously, in my opinion, when 19 year olds start forgetting that they are still in their parents' home, maybe it's
time for them to either a) move out or b)follow the rules of the house. Period.
My friend was in a very similar situation. She caught her 18 yr old having an overnight guest and told him that was against the rules. Since he got
away with it once, he just kept doing it. At this point, his gfriend has pretty much moved into my friends house and now she is supporting herself,
her daughter, son and his girlfriend all on around minimum wage.
Bottom line is that it was disrespectful to you and your home. IMHO there are some kind of consequences needed. It's not even about whether or not
they did anything. It's just about respect and the fact that you already have enough on your plate without having to worry about this.
[Edited on 8/1/2010 by justkat73]
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RaiscaraAvalon
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Okay, the clothes thing doesn't mean anything happened. What were they doing the night before? Maybe the girl in the gym shorts got a "surprise"
visitor in the night, or spilled something on her pants/skirt and your son was just doing the gentlemanly thing. A tee shirt inside out doesn't mean
much either...I can honestly say that when dealing with coitus interruptus, I have never ONCE put an article of clothing on inside out. But I do all
the time if I'm throwing a tee shirt over a tank top in the morning.
Considering he walked them out with you right there, I vote that nothing happened except what he said. I would worry more if they came out perfectly
coiffed...
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justkat73
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Btw...this does NOT make me look forward to Hunter's teenage years.
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Dan_Hensley
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Cyndee,
You sound like my Mother the first time I slept with my GF in her home when I was still living there with her. She wasn't mad per say, just worried
that we were going to end up with an unwanted child. It's a legitimate worry for a parent or anyone who is active.
Let's say he and these two girls DID enjoy each other intimately, I'd be with Michy. At least he did it when he was in a safe place and didn't try to
hide it.
I'm not trying to be a pig or anything, but sexual relationships happen in various different types of relationships ranging from friendships to the
consentual three way love tryst. So long as they played safely, it's not a big deal.
Maybe nothing happened as we all suspect. It was just an innocent overnighter. Maybe the one girl had her shirt inside out so as not to offend your
home if it had something vile on it.
It may have gone either way, but let me tell you how much my first time scared me! It was great, it was memorable for both of us, but it scared the
daylights outta me as well.
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czechwizard
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Quote: Originally posted by justkat73  | Oh man I have got to put my two cents in here.
First off, I'm 36 and verrrry far from an angel, but to this day, I have never had sex or even an overnight male guest in my dad's house...doubt I
ever would.
At 19, yes, he's an adult legally, but still under your roof. The clothing situation, well to me, obviously something happened, but that's not really
the point. The point is that judging by your reaction, this is a violation of your rules. The fact that it got so late, well why didn't he take them
home earlier then?
I know I'm old school on this, but seriously, in my opinion, when 19 year olds start forgetting that they are still in their parents' home, maybe it's
time for them to either a) move out or b)follow the rules of the house. Period.
My friend was in a very similar situation. She caught her 18 yr old having an overnight guest and told him that was against the rules. Since he got
away with it once, he just kept doing it. At this point, his gfriend has pretty much moved into my friends house and now she is supporting herself,
her daughter, son and his girlfriend all on around minimum wage.
Bottom line is that it was disrespectful to you and your home. IMHO there are some kind of consequences needed. It's not even about whether or not
they did anything. It's just about respect and the fact that you already have enough on your plate without having to worry about this.
[Edited on 8/1/2010 by justkat73] |
I'm preparing for the worst, though my only heir is only 8. Sometimes I'm considered the new Black Pope, but I feel like a virgin myself. The problem
with these new kids is they don't try to be independent economically, no work, just play. When I was 18 and entered university, I just didn't want to
live with my wonderful parents and obey their reasonable rules. I worked my ass off as an interpreter and translator just to afford my own apartment,
as university was free, taking my parents' pocket money as a bonus. Actually, I never brought a girl to my parents' house, no matter we've had a good
relationship. Now I'm Czech in Nicaragua. I used to teach rich American and Nicaraguan brats here, no way. I'm glad the Apocalypse is near and I
contribute to it.
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opher
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Cyndee,
I'll liberally borrow from others on this thread and suggest what I think would
be a good way to view things.
1. Since your son is legally adult, you have no expectation of control over his actions outside your home. Thus, he could be intimately involved with
others whether you like it or not.
2. Under your roof things are different. Not as a parent, but as the owner of the house, you have a right to set the house rules. Whether any physical
intimacy occurred or not is almost besides the point.
3. As Michy said, if any physical intimacy did occur, it's probably safer that it did under your roof than in some park, in the back seat of a car, or
in a motel room.
4. If you assumed your son knew your preferences because you spoke of them long ago (before he turned 18), or just because, your assumption is naive.
You need to clearly state to him your expectations of proper behavior under your roof even now that he is legally an adult. This may include allowing
overnight guests with no intimacy allowed. It may allow no overnight guests. It may allow overnight guests with intimacy as long as you know in
advance (so you don't walk in at an awkward moment). It may allow having a live-in girlfriend. You get to set the rules however you please.
5. Having said the above, you should take into account the possible side-effects of the rules you set. This is true whether the rules are permissive
(e.g. you may end up having to either support a live-in GF, or asking for rent support from son and GF), or restrictive (he may move out and not have
a good housing situation - leading to living in a bad section of town).
Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in life. No matter what rules you set, there are risks that things will result that will make you unhappy. This
is why I join the recommendation from several others that you sit down and talk with your son, in a non-judgmental way. Make clear to him that you
accept his right to make his life choices, whether you like them or not, now that he's an adult. At the same time, make it clear to him that in your
house, you set the rules. Then you can set out your rules for him. I recommend however that you (a) explain why your rules are as they are (e.g. good
example for younger sibs, etc.). You should also hear out his responses and seriously consider if it makes sense to modify your rules in reaction to
what he has to say. Where possible, coming to a consensus is much better in the long run than simply laying down the law.
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rudy2
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| Quote: Originally posted by Michy | I'd go with Cindy on talking to him, but at the same time, I'd rather my kid be doing things I know about in my home where he's safe than doing things
I don't know about in someone else's home where it might not be safe.
If he were an adult -- not your son, but just an adult -- what would you say to him about his behavior? Try to treat him like he's an adult, not like
he's your kid, and I think you can accept a bit more of the behavior.
Gut feeling? Nothing happened, and he really is being honest about it just getting too late. Generally speaking, if he'd been doing something 'bad',
he wouldn't have walked into the living room like it's no big deal, because in his mind, it was no big deal, because it literally wasn't a big
deal.
Does that make sense?
If it had been a big deal to him, he would have tried to sneak them out the window or something. He didn't. I think you're pretty safe and he's just
being a 19 year old.
|
I agree with you. But then you seem to still really relate to your own teen aged self.
I've always tried to do that in dealing with my kids. What was I up to? What things my mom said were influential rather than combative?
I wanted to raise people, not children. They needed to learn to make their own decisions, not just do what I did, not be what I wanted.
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Dan_Hensley
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"I agree with you. But then you seem to still really relate to your own teen aged self.
I've always tried to do that in dealing with my kids. What was I up to? What things my mom said were influential rather than combative?
I wanted to raise people, not children. They needed to learn to make their own decisions, not just do what I did, not be what I wanted."
I agree with you and can identify in a huge way! My family was always the type that wanted you to "be like everyone else" and do what everyone else
did. My Mother & Father were the worst offenders, always interjecting themselves at every interest I had and interfering at every turn.
My Dad wanted me to go into the service although he knew I wasn't going to be accepted because of my medical background. My Mother wanted me to "have
a normal job" instead of allowing me to chase my dreams.
I've got stories to tell about my Mother and how far she went to interfere! In her old age now, she's just really become a controlling, gossip queen.
I love my Mother, but she has some real boundary issues.
[Edited on 3-8-2010 by Dan_Hensley]
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