Accentuate Writers Forum
Not logged in [Login - Register]



Donations & advertising pay hosting fees, forum email, and email relays.

Thank you for being a member!


Go To Bottom

Printable Version  
Author: Subject: My Query- Is it ready?
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 9/9/2011 at 12:00 PM
My Query- Is it ready?


Hey everyone this is the query of been working on for an age. I think it's ready to send to agents and I'd really appreciate any thoughts/opinions that you have.


Dear Agent: (Personalised.)

Ripped from our world and thrust into another, fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra must train to battle demons using magic. The problem is, Evan’s a demon himself.

Evan joins the hunters training in Veneseron, the magical realm where orcs and elfpires teach teenagers to fight. But when faced with maniacal monsters, Evan awakens a demon magic inside of him, one no human is supposed to possess. This iniquitous power rips the very souls from its victims and has a mind of its own. Evan is forced to hide his inner darkness from everyone--even the girl he secretly loves--fearing they’ll slaughter him for being an abomination.

He doesn’t know if he can even confide in his newfound friends, wannabe-womaniser Jed and boy-crazy Brooke. Together they help Evan face up to bullies, get the girl he loves and discover the imminent demon invasion on Veneseron.

Evan’s inner turmoil reaches its climax when the invading demons claim he’s the key to resurrecting their insane god. They’re prepared to butcher everyone in Veneseron to get him. Evan must either surrender before they destroy all he's ever loved or use his demon magic to defeat the horde, revealing his evil powers and letting them take over.

DEMON HUNT is an 84,000 word YA fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.




[Edited on 9/10/2011 by Wil]

[Edited on 9/10/2011 by Wil]
View user's profile
moonshadow68
Founding Member/Moderator
*******




Posts: 3583
Registered: 1/17/2008
Location: Southern Illinois
Member Is Offline

Mood: Trying to make the voices be quiet ;)

[*] posted on 9/9/2011 at 12:42 PM


Wil,

Your query tells the agent nothing about you the writer, and it should. Also, you definitely need to double check the punctuation in this.

Introductory clauses should be followed by a comma, as in : But when faced with maniacal monsters(Insert comma) Evan...

I like the sound of the story and the gist of the query, but it needs editing to be taken seriously.

Good luck!




View user's profile
raian76
Literary Master
******


Avatar


Posts: 1015
Registered: 5/25/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 9/9/2011 at 03:15 PM


I agree, if I were an agent, I need to know about you, the writer. What experience have you had? What authority do you have to write such a story? Why is your story different from other such stories out there? Why do you feel I'm the agent for your work? Why do you want to work with me?

Research your agent... find out what they are looking for, what they've done in the past, how that compares to your work, etc.

And yes, edit the punctuation.

Good luck!
View user's profile Visit user's homepage
Michy
Boss(y) Lady / Site Owner / Admin
*********




Posts: 13945
Registered: 1/15/2008
Location: Texas
Member Is Offline

Mood: Pained

[*] posted on 9/9/2011 at 03:32 PM


Some edit suggestions:



Dear [be sure to use the agent's name here]Agent:

Ripped from our world and thrust into another, fifteen-year-old Evan Umbra must train to battle demons using magic. The problem is, Evan’s a demon himself. (why is this a problem? I would think that would make him uniquely suited to battle demons - but if he IS a demon, then why is he needing to battle them?)

Evan joins the hunters (what hunters?) training in Veneseron, the magical realm where orcs and elfpires teach teenagers to fight (to fight whom and why?). But When faced with maniacal monsters(comma) Evan awakens a demon magic inside of him, one no human is supposed to possess (where did it come from, why does he possess, how does he awaken it if he's not supposed to possess it?). This iniquitous power rips the very souls from its victims and has a mind of its own (uhm, it does? how? Through Evan? Why? Can Evan not control it at all? Does it take him over?). Evan is forced to hide his inner darkness from everyone--even the girl he secretly loves--fearing they’ll (who?) slaughter him for being an abomination.

He doesn’t know if he can even confide in his newfound friends. Wannabe-womaniser Jed and boy-crazy Brooke, who help Evan face up to bullies, get the girl he loves and find out who’s planning a demon invasion on Veneseron. (incomplete sentence here - this whole paragraph needs reworked, and I'm not sure it's really necessary.)

Evan’s inner turmoil reaches its climax when the invading army (what invading army?) claims he’s the key to resurrecting their insane god. They’re prepared to butcher everyone in Veneseron to get him. Evan must either surrender before they destroy all he's ever loved or use his demon magic to defeat the horde, revealing his evil powers and letting them take over. (take over what? Take over Evan, take over control?)

DEMON HUNT is an 84,000 word YA fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

(Here is where you put some information about who you are, a short bio, any awards you've won, whether this is your debut novel or if you've been published before, etc. - it's also good to give some info on genre more than just YA fantasy - and spell out YA. What is your competition? What is your market? Do you have a platform?)

.....

The story sounds interesting, but you just don't give us enough to understand what the struggle is. WHY is the story happening at all?

Hope it helps.








Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~


Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook

-----------------------------------------

View user's profile Visit user's homepage
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 9/9/2011 at 08:35 PM


Oh, I've heard from many sources/people that writing a bio into the query is just a waste of word space unless you have something really relevant to the novel or you have been published before etc?
I do have one short story published which I could mention but that's it.
I guess I should have mentioned that in the standard "Dear Agent," bit I'll personalise it for every different agent explaining why I'm querying them etc.
Thanks for poinitng my comma error and I've fixed the parapgraph you mentioned Michy.
Thanks alot for your comments guys.
View user's profile
Michy
Boss(y) Lady / Site Owner / Admin
*********




Posts: 13945
Registered: 1/15/2008
Location: Texas
Member Is Offline

Mood: Pained

[*] posted on 9/9/2011 at 09:24 PM


When you don't have any relevant writing credits, it's a good idea to try to get some - maybe enter a few contests, get published in some places, etc. But even if you don't have any relevant credits, a short snippet about you as a writer isn't unexpected, and is an essential part of a query.

You could mention something along the lines, "Though this will be my debut novel, I have been writing blah blah blah..."

Of course, the dear agent part I expected you knew, but you'd be surprised how many don't know, so I always mention it just to make sure.

There's a good story here, I think... I just don't think your query shows us that it's a good story quite yet. With a bit more information, I think it would be a very enticing query that I myself would probably at least request a partial on, but it needs some oomph, something more.

If you revise, I'd be happy to glance over the revisions and give you my opinion. Keep in mind, it's only my opinion as an editor - you're the author, so you have to go with what you think is right for you, but I have no problems offering advice!





Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~


Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook

-----------------------------------------

View user's profile Visit user's homepage
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 10/9/2011 at 07:02 AM


Hey, sorry I was away for so long, computer problems.
Thanks alot for your help Michy I've tweaked it to add alot more information to clarify.
I'd be grateful for anyone's opinion.


Dear Agent:

I am writing to you because (personalised.)

As a magic user who can travel between realms, Evan Umbra must train to destroy demons. The problem is, Evan’s a demon himself.

Fifteen-year-old Evan joins the hunters training in Veneseron, the realm where orcs and elfpires teach teenagers to wield magic. But when faced with demons Evan awakens an evil power inside of him, one no human is supposed to possess. This demonic sorcery rips the very souls from its victims and has a mind of its own. He is forced to hide his inner darkness from everyone--even the girl he secretly loves--fearing they’ll slaughter him for being an abomination.

Evan doesn’t even know if he can confide in his newfound friends, wannabe-womaniser Jed and boy-crazy Brooke. His friends help him face up to bullies, get the girl he loves and discover an imminent demon invasion on Veneseron, but how does he tell them he’s a monster.

Evan’s inner turmoil reaches its climax when the invading demons claim he’s the key to resurrecting their insane god. They’re prepared to butcher everyone in Veneseron to get him. Evan must either surrender before they destroy all he's ever loved or use his demon magic to defeat the horde, revealing his powers to everyone and losing himself to evil.

DEMON HUNT is an 84,000 word Young Adult fantasy with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.
View user's profile
Melanie
Founding Member
******




Posts: 3736
Registered: 1/17/2008
Member Is Offline

Mood: Writing like mad!

[*] posted on 10/9/2011 at 09:11 AM


You could mention something along the lines, "Though this will be my debut novel, I have been writing blah blah blah..."


Like Wil I've read in multiple places that it is a bad idea to tell agents how inexperienced and non-published you are. I don't think they care if you've written stories since you were ten or have been published in the church bulletin or anything like that.


What is your competition? What is your market? Do you have a platform?


Do you really list other books that you may compete with? How would you know what's out there in the two years it may take to get your book published, even if it is accepted? Also, about the platform, do you tell the agent you have a YA fantasy fiction blog with 1,000 followers here (if you do) or what? Should you try to sell yourself as a marketer too?




Melanie
"Go forth boldly in the direction of your dreams." Thoreau
----------------------------
M. Lori Motley

----------------------------
View user's profile
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 10/10/2011 at 06:18 PM


bump
View user's profile
Michy
Boss(y) Lady / Site Owner / Admin
*********




Posts: 13945
Registered: 1/15/2008
Location: Texas
Member Is Offline

Mood: Pained

[*] posted on 10/13/2011 at 01:36 PM


You're getting closer... Now I'm even more interested in reading it... so that's a good thing! Just a few comments:


Quote: Originally posted by Wil  


Dear Agent:

I am writing to you because (personalised.)

As a A magic user who can travel between realms, Evan Umbra must train to destroy demons (why must he train to destroy demons?). The problem? is, Evan’s Even is a demon himself.

Fifteen-year-old Evan joins the hunters training in Veneseron, the realm where orcs and elfpires teach teenagers to wield magic. But when faced with demons Evan awakens an evil power inside of him, one no human is supposed to possess. This demonic sorcery rips the very souls from its victims and has a mind of its own. He is forced to hide his inner darkness from everyone--even the girl he secretly loves--fearing they’ll slaughter him for being an abomination.

Evan doesn’t even know if he can confide in his newfound friends, wannabe-womaniser Jed and boy-crazy Brooke. His friends help him face up to bullies, get the girl he loves and discover an imminent demon invasion on Veneseron, but how does he tell them he’s a monster.

Evan’s inner turmoil reaches its climax when the invading demons claim he’s the key to resurrecting their insane god. They’re prepared to butcher everyone in Veneseron to get him. Evan must either surrender before they destroy all he's ever loved or use his demon magic to defeat the horde, revealing his powers to everyone and losing himself to evil.

DEMON HUNT is an 84,000 word Young Adult fantasy with series potential. Thank you for your time and consideration.



I haven't forgotten you - just haven't gotten to this yet. It IS much better... I'll be back sometime today to finish it.





Love and stuff,
Michy
~~Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations~~


Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again." James R. Cook

-----------------------------------------

View user's profile Visit user's homepage
Wil
Jr. Member Writer
*




Posts: 13
Registered: 6/19/2010
Member Is Offline

Mood: No Mood

[*] posted on 10/18/2011 at 06:42 AM


Thanks Michy :) That helps a lot.
View user's profile

                              

  Go To Top

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies


Powered by XMB
XMB Forum Software © 2001-2011 The XMB Group